Why am I writing this Blog? What is the point, there are so many blogs out there! I believe I can HELP someone... a struggling mom, a neighbor, a friend, a teach, a nurse, a PERSON!
With September being National Suicide Prevention Month I want to start my blog off with a little about my past, that really has nothing to do with me...
I want this to be an honest place to come with no judgment as a mom or just as a person dealing with life struggles. Everyone has stress... we need to continue to work on our well-being. I am working on overcoming obstacles, hoping it will give you strength to over come your challenges as well. Wellness has to do with all aspects of life.... social, financial, occupational, mental, physical, spiritual, environmental, intellectual... I will be discussing all dimensions.
.... My idea of writing a blog comes from my psychologist wanting me to write a journal to help my POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. I figured why not share... I will go into this at a later time.
I will first talk about my dad... This is a very personal and emotional topic for me. I'm sure I will have tears running down my face as I blog about this.
My DAD, My Father, My Mentor.... ugh... attempted suicide and was successful in 2014. I will never forget the day I got the call. I was getting ready like any other day. I saw my step mom called me, it was 7am. I figured I would call her back after my morning personal training clients. My husband was in school, I heard his phone ring... he was talking to someone in the basement. When he came upstairs... it looked like he had seen a ghost. He told me to "sit down". He is always making me laugh and being silly. I started laughing and thinking he had a trick for me and soon I would be laughing so hard I would tell him to stop because I would be afraid of peeing myself. But no.... I SAT.... "Your dad died"
IN SHOCK... my dad just had his 60th birthday a month earlier. Now I was an adult, my birthday is in January and my dad's birthday was in February... we always celebrated together.
I was thinking he had a heart attack or he was in a car crash... Before I knew it I was screaming "NONONO" "HOW? HOW?" And hitting my husband's chest.
"He KILLED HIMSELF" he told me.
Then I really started to ball.... tears and hitting his chest even harder.... yelling at him. "How could he do this, why?" "How did he do it" "Someone made him" "No someone murdered him" The thoughts were pouring out.... "THIS CAN'T BE REAL" "SANDI, he wouldn't leave SANDI (his dog), he loved her so much" "WHY, WHY, WHY"
My husband called my clients for that day to cancel them.
My dad committed suicide... My life will never be the same. I will learn from him... The heart break is deep... I was FATHERLESS....
The remaining of the day was a blur. I sent out some emails to my clients explaining what happened... I explained how I was going to continue with my life as normal as possible. I started with clients the following day. I talked to my family. OH the tears.... I needed to get back to normal so I could function. My husband spent the day with me. We went to the gym, I was able to maintain crying for about 40 min, I sat on some machines and did some sets, I believe I did a back lift. Then my in-laws came up from Kentucky and took us for food, of course I could only take a couple bites feeling so sick to my stomach.
The thoughts... Feeling lost.... Feeling pissed.... Feeling hopeless.... Feeling Confused... They never go away.... NEVER! They do get better over time, but to this day they are still there. Suicide of a loved one changes you. No matter your thoughts... no matter your struggles.... contact suicide hotline. Nothing is worth taking your life. Keep your WELLNESS BALANCED... don't ignore any of the dimensions.
My dad was an amazing man... he loved learning, he loved teaching, he told jokes, he laughed... He was my softball coach for YEARS, he helped me start my first business, he would have been a fun and loving grandpa...
He just became hopeless for a second in his life... I miss you dad! I hope you found the peace you were looking for. He was a very determined and the hardest worker I knew.... suicide an happen to the strongest....
I have a guardian angel and I call him DAD!
With LOVE,
Mama Bear Domain